Unstructured Ramblings

   A friend once told me that I am the kind of girl who likes to have control over her heart, in other words I hardly fall in love, or show that I like someone and even when I get hurt I move on like nothing happened. I guess he was right to an extent, I like to stay in control of my feelings and that makes it hard for me to show my sentimental side at times.  So early last year I made a decision to face my feelings and my fears and let people in, I concluded that if I am as strong as they say then maybe I will find a way never to get hurt, but the truth is there is never a guaranty that you won’t get hurt.

  Well, something happened recently that reminded me of why I never ever let my guards down. It reminded me that I put a protective covering over my heart not because I am strong or independent, it’s because deep inside I am emotionally weak and it pays to have people think I have a strong emotional hold. Truthfully I think I'm scared to fall in love. I have this strong urge to go back to my favorite thought which is -“People meet, sometimes they date, sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't, and sometimes people get married. That doesn't always work either. Why should you think that just because one person doesn't like you the same way you like them makes it a life sentence? Forgive, forget, and get on with your life”. That’s the way I see it.

I’m in this phase now where I’m confused because despite my strict adherence to logic and reason, and despite my perceived dominion over my feelings, the how and why of when I snapped out of my emotional unavailability was completely out of my control. It just happened.

Sometimes while I get busy trying to keep everything inside, to protect others from my feelings I lose myself.

I’m not sure if I’m ready to let go..

But….

Tick Tock Tick….

Goes the Clock……

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