Unstructured Confessions of A Single Woman



My palms started to sweat…my heart started racing, I felt flush….

I started to think more about this theory of actually being open to a relationship with someone and all of a sudden, I didn’t feel so good….

Now, I’m not talking about really getting the runs…because for the record, women don’t do that…we don’t poop, or burp, or fart…

Has that ever happened to you? Has the thought of a relationship ever sent you running, not just from it but maybe running to the nearest bathroom? I think it’s more typical for people to think of the term “relation-shit” as their once good relationship turns bad but what about feeling sick BEFORE you even get to the relationship part?? The more I think about it, the more nervous I start to feel, and slightly nauseous too…
I started to getting flashbacks of my one long relationship, and thought, if I was open to entering one now with someone new, would it be the same?

These are my confessions.

I consider myself a very courageous person but I believe, courage is the direct result of facing a fear in the first place.  It’s been YEARS since I've been in a relationship. I am truly selective about whom I spend my time with and my next boyfriend will be someone I've considered marrying down the road…That’s how serious I take the “boyfriend/girlfriend” title.

Every time I meet a good guy I try asking the very popular question… “When was your last relationship? I always think about not asking at all. I mean, who really wants to know, even though I am always slightly curious. But when it comes up, all the scenarios starts popping up in my head: “I am divorced, never had a serious relationship, I have 3 children from 3 different baby moms ad so on”

When I started dating at the age of 20, it was easy, interestingly as time went on and as I got older, it became difficult. I guess it’s only the natural progression of life, that people will have had other relationships at my age, and would now probably be a red flag if at this point they hadn’t. Losing me happened rather quickly. I got so caught up in his world that I forgot who I even was…well, let’s face it, at 20 I didn’t know who I was but instead of trying to create myself, I tried to create what he wanted… which in the end I never did a good job of anyway…must have been the inner rebel in me.

My ex and I became more like friends than bf and gf. We never went out on dates once we got comfortable. I am NOT comfortable with comfortable! I want to keep things fresh and special even years from now. That ties into romance. I NEED that. My ex and I didn’t have that.

I’m not really afraid of monogamy, I’m afraid of monotony! I’m afraid, as I see so many couples, as it happened to me, that the “dating” part stops. Next thing you know every single weekend is spent in watching boring dvds, your skin begins to crave for some sun, and you possibly most definitely allow yourself to get FAT! That didn’t just happen to me right? RIGHT?! This shouldn’t happen…but don’t lie, you’ve seen it, and maybe you’ve experienced it, without even knowing its happening. These fears have actually sent me running in the other direction at times because I feel since that one major relationship, I have been happier alone.

In speaking of my one long term relationship, I want to make it clear that my ex was not a bad person. He was a kind and caring person. It just takes so many different people to make up this world and what I needed may not be what someone else needs and that’s why people break up and those same people work better with others. Because I spent years being so involved in his world, I feel these last few years, I have been making up for lost time. Going on adventures he would have never taken me on, and just being happy in ways I couldn’t be with him. The idea of losing that freedom again, scares me to death because so many times you fall in love and not even know what happened…to you.

Falling in love does not scare me. Falling out of love does….Being with the wrong person does. Sometimes I have this reoccurring thoughts that I am being forced to get married. I don’t even know the guy and my parents and family are literally pushing me down the aisle toward him. I am yelling “I don’t love him, I don’t even know him!” and all they keep saying is “It will be fine, it’s OK, you’ll be OK.”…oh and every single time…I’m in some HORRIFIC 70′S wedding dress. YUK! I always come back to reality with my heart racing.

Whenever I think about relationships, my thoughts seem to revert back to how much I love myself and how well I treat myself and how I don’t want to enter into a relationship for all that to stop. Even in over-analyzing for the sake of this blog and thinking about relationships…it’s not just about what the next guy will give to me, I want to make sure I am wonderful to that guy as well. Guys seem so much easier but I want to make sure I give him everything he wants and needs. I’m hoping that’s just God, Love and Faithfulness right?

It all turns my stomach into knots. Committing isn’t the issue; it’s who I become after I do. How do I find the balance? How do I remain aware of how to keep “me” as a priority? I know I eventually want to face this simply because the feeling of being in love is wonderful. I know I can have that feeling. I guess the only thing I can do is be who I would want to be with, in a relationship. Give him everything and hope he wants to do the same with me, not punish him for my past, or judge him for his, and only focus on treating each other well. The biggest obstacle for me is getting to the actual relationship part…which I will in due time…and will possibly buy enough Pepto-Bismol to deal with the side effects of the journey in the meantime.